Oh blog , how I have missed thee. The last couple of weeks have been long and busy. I did make one lame attempt at a blog post, and I was angry, so it was angry. It was angry, angry, oh so angry. To have posted it would have been an act of sheer lunacy. Instead, I have saved it, which I find rather titillating. With one click of a key I can send my deepest, darkest thoughts out into blogosphere for all to read. I can send words I will most certainly…well, let’s not get carried away here. I will rephrase. I can send words that I might, perhaps someday wish that I could take back. It’s all so dangerous and exciting that I’m getting hot and bothered. No let me rephrase…again. The thought of posting it is mildly exciting because it may elicit a mildly negative emotional response from very few readers. Bottom line, the night I wrote it I was so very tired, and, instead of going to bed like a normal, responsible person, I had the genius idea to stay up very, very late and blog. I wrote and wrote for hours. It was epic. Thankfully, something told me that I should just run the whole thing by Giorgio before hitting publish. Upon hearing what I wrote, my dear, darling, ever supportive husband suggested that perhaps, just this once, I sleep on it before I post. So I did. I went to bed like I should have done in the first place, rather than wasting hours pounding out some mildly antagonistic blog. I slept one of those amazingly unsatisfying sleeps where you drop on the bed, as if you just dropped dead, and wake up in the same position as you landed the night before. When I awoke the next morning, I no longer felt angry, and I decided to save my jive post for a later date. To sum it all up, I delved into the dark recesses of my demented brain. No, that doesn’t sound quite right. Let me rephrase…again. I thought some moderately negative thoughts, wrote them down, didn’t feel good about it and decided to put them on the back-burner and focus on lighter matters. In an attempt to purge myself of any residual negativity, I have decided to rundown the silly, awkward and ironic situations I found myself in this week. So here goes:
Chinese New Year at School: We are in the process of selecting a school for Allegra for next year. Last week Giorgio and I went to visit one school for the second time. I really like this place and, wanting to present myself in a somewhat respectable manner, took great care to look my best. I donned my favorite Chinese inspired jacket, which Giorgio HATES, but I love. Giorgio, who has become a caricature of himself, wore his chef uniform. He did have to run to work after our visit, but I also suspect that he’s morphing into a kind of chefinator, always in uniform and ready to whip up a souffle on a moment’s notice. Then, we headed out the door.
Once we arrived at the school and made our way inside, Giorgio, chef-in-uniform, began speaking with a school administrator. Although I was chatting with an instructor at the time, I distinctly recall hearing him speaking metaphorically and comparing the inflexibility of the current education system to the policies of most chinese restaurants which do not allow simple changes or substitutions to be made to menu items. Hmmmm.
Then we observed classes and spoke to a few teachers. One of my favorite instructors at the school actually complimented my jacket and noted that it was very festive. You know, with the Chinese New Year and all, which the preschool happened to be celebrating when we made our way past their classroom. It was a bit later that I was struck by how ridiculous the two of us must have looked…showing up at a school wearing a Chinese jacket, weaving Chinese food metaphors into our dialogue, all the while one of the classes is holding its Chinese New Year celebration*. If we don’t get our shit together and stop sabotaging our child, she won’t be accepted anywhere.
* I do have to add that, in fairness to Giorgio and myself, we really weren’t aware that it was the Chinese New Year.
Superbowl Party at the Aging Goth Chick’s Place: Let me preface this by stating that I am not gothic. As a matter of fact, I get the heebie jeebies very easily and can handle absolutely nothing that deals with the supernatural, vampires, witches, witchcraft, the occult, animal sacrifice, human sacrifice, spooky castles set atop cliffs, coffins, fog, medieval crucifixes, incense, velvet, the color burgundy, burgundy velvet …you get the point. I do however like to wear black. Of course, on special occasions, like visiting my child’s potential future school, I sometimes offset the black with cool Asian jackets or sparkly costume jewelry. Other than that, black is pretty much the only “color” I wear in the fall, winter and spring (in the summer I usually pull out some hot pink and bright yellow). Also, I do have a sort of severe look and I have been questioned by my son’s former teacher if we were a goth family (because, as you know, goth families tend to send their children to parochial schools)…
I really need to dedicate an entire post to this topic, so I’ll give you the abridged version. Jack was in kindergarten. Due to sensory issues, he would only color in black. He also told the teacher that we lost our pet snake in our house. Here again, I am petrified of snakes. I can’t look at them, think about them, hear their creepy hisssssssssses. But, Jack decided to tell the teacher that we had one as a pet, or we did until we lost it. So putting it all together-child drawing in black, mother wearing black, pet snake-she thought that, perhaps, we were goth.
Now where was I? Oh yes. I am not goth. I just took some liberties to make the title more interesting. Anyway, I also don’t look much like the stereotypical gal who gets all worked out about the Superbowl much less hosts a Superbowl party. In truth, I can care less about the game itself, but I do host a Superbowl party. You see, as child, I always felt left out on Superbowl Sunday. I believed that everyone else in the entire world was sitting in their living rooms eating cheesy nachos and drinking Cokes. Although I had no interest in the game, I did like the idea of the holiday that Superbowl Sunday had become. So every year we have a very small Superbowl party with the kids, my parents, my brother Sean and my sister-in-law Jen. We make tons of junk food and, some watch the game. Meanwhile, the kids disturb everyone by making too much noise which is completely unrelated to game viewing, and Jen and I suck down martinis (although this year we tried margaritas which were fabulous and will most likely be replayed next year). It’s a great time. Even Ginger enjoyed her first Superbowl party and had a Manwich for dinner.
So this year, a couple of hours before the game, I found myself in the grocery picking up our party food and a couple of Superbowl balloons for the kids. The store was PACKED and people were crazed. Seriously people, if we’re going to treat the Superbowl like it’s a holiday then we need to shop like it’s a holiday and get it done by the day before at least. But I digress. Back to the story. I foolishly decided to pick up the kids balloons first. Have you ever tried shopping with balloons tied to your cart? It’s just ridiculous. You look ridiculous. You annoy everyone because you either smack them with your balloons or you bang into them because the balloons obstruct your view. So that was me, banging into people, smacking them with my balloons and “I’m sorrying” everyone to death. It was so obvious what I was up to, cart loaded with chips and soda, Superbowl balloons… At some point I began to feel pretty foolish. I must have looked pretty stupid, dressed in faux leather skin-tight pants, as usual, and a faux feather top, racing around, balloons smacking my face. It didn’t help that I had to endure the sneers of a few hipster types. Hey, hold up a minute. What were they doing with nachos in their cart? Going home to watch Daniel Day Lewis in the Unbearable Lightness of Being? I don’t think so. Such a movie would require cigarettes and perhaps some humus and wheat crackers, not Doritos. That’s right. On Superbowl Sunday everyone (well, a lot of people), even aging “goth” chicks want to eat nachos and pretend that we belong to something greater than just ourselves. Now that I’ve put it into words, I don’t feel so foolish. Grant it, I may have looked foolish, but that’s not really very important. Is it?
Peyton Place: A couple of nights ago, Giorgio suggested that we watch the movie Peyton Place. Yes, you read that correctly. Giorgio wanted to watch Peyton Place. And we did. And it was pretty bad. All that potential for greatness, flushed down the toilet along with a boatload of melodrama and probably one of the stupidest monologues ever delivered in cinematic history (perhaps an overstatement, but you get my point). It wasn’t until the next day that I realized what an unusual dude my husband is and texted him the following, “U r a very strange person. What kind of 43 yr old man stays up until 2 in the morning watching Peyton Place?” Really. Recently, did any of your spouse’s suggest that you watch Peyton Place? Of course the two of us fall asleep watching reruns of Columbo (yes we have the box set) almost every night, so what do you expect?
That’s it folks. Another week gone and the following lessons learned: don’t publish angry blog posts; don’t wear costumes to you child’s potential future school and don’t waste your time watching Peyton Place. Oh, and, yes, aging goth chicks do in fact host Superbowl parties. Peace.