This is Heather Nanni, taking a break from her role as Tweak the Bunny to bring you this post. That’s right; I’m Heather, not Tweak Bunny or Dashi Dog or Captain Barnacles the Polar Bear or any other member of the Octonauts. Problem is, throughout the day, Allegra insists that I assume the role of any number of these characters. As a matter of fact, this evening, as I played Octonauts with Allegra as she took a bath, she informed me that she was “not impwessed” with how I was playing the game and gave me notes for improving my performance as Kwazi Cat. Being that I soon have to return to work (I know. I know. I only teach two nights a week, but there is a lot of planning and correcting at home-I swear), I am trying to give the kids as much playtime as possible. Unfortunately, all of this role playing is making me feel a bit schizophrenic, so for the moment, I’m happy to be just plain old weird Heather, writing her weird blog. I’ve been so looking forward to writing this week, and I’ve tossed around a lot of ideas. I have also been feeling rather grouchy and peevish, so I thought I would write some snarky, petulant blog about something that’s been annoying me as a way of alleviating some of my general negativity. . And I reject that! I want to giggle. So after some careful deliberation, I have decided against wading over into the dark side, to ignore its enticements,to forgo dark, brooding, smart ass ramblings in favor of recounting the ridiculous thoughts and conversations I had this week, which may very well only be funny to me, so don’t feel guilt by shutting this down; thus, shutting me up. For those maniacs who wish to stick around, here goes…
In search of lighter, happier material, I reflected upon this past week and to my surprise recalled some rather silly conversations. There was the one I had with another student’s mother at the dance studio about cleansing. She’s a lovely lady and five days into a cleanse, eating only the healthiest of foods, drinking lots of water… At some point during our conversation, I realized that I did not have the willpower to omit all dietary pleasures and confessed that I lacked both the discipline and desire to give up martini’s and pork fat. My admission that the previous night, when cutting my children’s meat, I removed the fat from their chops and ate it for dinner elicited a laugh. Then there was the conversation I had with the owner of the stables where my son takes riding lessons. He confessed his beer habit and surveyed all present on their poison. Of course mine is vodka. Unfortunately when he asked me my vodka of choice, I found myself recounting the sad tale of how my husband and I started out drinking Grey Goose, but how after our first child we had to downgrade to Skyy and how we now find ourselves drinking Majorska. I then made myself feel better by stating, “It’s not that bad. At least it comes in a glass bottle.” I got some pity laughs for that one. But the very best and funniest of the week came from my husband.
On Monday Giorgio tried on a new black v-neck sweater, looked at himself in the mirror and matter of factly informed me that he looked like a “cabaret artist from Stuttgart.” What? On what planet would a cabaret artist from Stuttgart be the first thing to come to mind?? Granted, Giorgio did live in Stuttgart many, many years ago, but cabaret artist? Why not singer or dancer, or performer even? There’s just something about his use of the term artist that tickled me. I mean he had me thinking Berlin, the world on the brink of war, a tawdry, smoke filled club and a show being emceed by some sexually ambiguous emaciated person with a pale face and dark red lips sinisterly grinning at a pseudo-grotesque, featureless audience, all faces obscured by smoke and shadows. And he delivered it with such nonchalance that you would assume that German cabaret artist is a typical reference for those of us who reside on the east coast of the United States.
Upon further reflection, I think, perhaps, despite his adamant denial, my darling husband kind of digs the whole cabaret thing. It’s got me thinking. In the very infancy of our courtship I did sport a jet black, super short, Liza Minnelliesque pixie cut. I also had a penchant for wearing bright red lipstick and fishnet stockings. And at some point during that time I had Christopher Isherwood’s Berlin Stories on my nightstand. Hmmmm..
Anyway, Giorgio’s description of himself as a German cabaret artist struck me as so weird and out of place and hysterical that I had to immediately call my brother Sean Crose, another daft kat with an offbeat sense of humour and love of the absurd. Clearly, my brother and I managed to make our way out of the same gene pool, gasping for air and full of neurosis and weirdness. When the two of us emerged from the womb, the doctors probably had to beat the shit out of us, not to help us take our first breathes but to get us to snap the fuck out of our first baby panic attacks. While we nearly killed each other during adolescence, we became the best of friends in early adulthood. When we weren’t running around the city getting plastered in dive bars, we spent countless hours watching and quoting Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, Plan Nine from Outer Space and anything from Mystery Science Theater, Giant Spider Invasion being one of our personal favorites. So I just knew that he would fully appreciate Giorgio’s referring to himself as a cabaret artist from Stuttgart. And my brother didn’t disappoint. He gave me the much desired belly laugh that I had hoped for, and then we got to talking. We talked about Germany and World War II and Mussolini and Giorgio’s parents who grew up in Italy during the war. We got to talking about Giorgio’s mother and how she possess a style and sophistication that reminds me of Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Vita (In addition to being beautiful, she’s a great person). We talked about Giorgio’s dad and how it’s a flipping shame that he was taken from this world too soon and how he was just one of those special people whose very presence made you feel good. Then somehow we moved back to talk about the executions of Mussolini and Clara Petacci and back to Hitler and his stupid mustache, which got us to talking about mustaches and mustache style and handlebar mustaches. We talked about how handlebar mustaches are all the rage with those damn young hipsters, which got my brother going on how ridiculous he would look with such a mustache and how he would bear a closer resemblance to our great, great grandfather who came through Elis Island after emigrating from Ireland than a young James Franco wannabe. And this talk of the handlebar mustaches brought the conversation full circle and back to Giorgio, who, likely inspired by Kurt Russell in Tombstone, once grew handlebar mustache himself because he really is more cowboy than cabaret artist. He’s an Italian who as a young boy developed a great love for America. He overdosed on spaghetti westerns and, in a music store in Rome, discovered Alabama’s Mountain Music which began his love affair with country music. When he met me, a Norwegian techno music loving east coast girl, he introduced me to country music, which I’ve grown to dig.
So that’s it. The story of how a silly remark led to a much needed laugh and a great conversation about evil villains and beautiful people and how a great conversation led to a flood of good memories and my personal conclusion that my husband is one awesome and strange dude.